PROM [thu may 17th, 2007 >>11:43pm] [ mood | awake ] prom..its finally here..after 12 , 13 years....its finally my time to shine...something ive been dreaming of for a long time...its finaly here and im going to it...its incredible how time flies...one minute im in kindergarden getting told off by my teacher the next im making plans ,with my 3 year old boyfriend ,for prom. its just soo fast..everything i mean im graduating in like less than two weeks ..more like a week and a day....but yea i mean this past week has been sorta weird..yes i am talking about me and yan once again..well i dunno whats been going on but i almost broke it off with him..i was soo close too..its just u know one minute were the perfect couple the next were fighting like eternal enemies..i mean why? why does this happen? is it me? im starting to believe more and more that the problem isnt carlos but its me...i mean i make him sooo miserable sometimes.....or maybe ive been soo acustomed to everything that this has been my mentality....my way of thinking....but i seriously dont know what to think sometimes....i mean our fights have gotten pretty bad...from not talking on the phone to punching walls and cursing at each other in front of everyone..i mean i know God doesnt want it this way...or maybe hes been sending me signs and i keep pushingthem away...but i dont know what to think anymore...so i just take it all in...like taking in that horrible disgusting cough medicine....i swallow ever bitter drop of it and make myself believe its all gonna be better...and i wait but nothing so i buy into it more and smile and tell myself..hey its all good...u guys have been together 3 years...as long a su love him....he will change his way dont worry...but the more i tell myself that the more i see its not gonna happen...i mean its like a virus and it slowly takes away ur original way of thinking and changes who u are to the point where soo ur brainwashed that u buy it....u buy everything...when he says that i like roman...that im slutty...that i do it with guys...i mean he even asked me if i truly wanted to go to prom with roman??? i mean wtf?? dude ur my bf i wanna go with u period..who the fuck is including roman in anything..thats why i still dont buy that all whole "im over roman" shit..its really hard to believe hes 100% over everything. u know i guess the word for this would be "use to" like dude i was after skool talking with roman u know regular convo and as soon as i see carlos i holl ass and completely run away from roman to make it seem like i wasnt with him....wow..look how far my way of thinking has gone...carlos doesnt get mad anymore if he finds me chatting withroman(or so i think) but i guess im soooo used to it from all the past experiences that mybeing already assumes hes gonna get pised so my reaction is to get away from roman asap..and u know dude thats not right...romans my friend..actually i really good an close friend that i love and charise as a FRIEND. see im soo used to feeling guilty that i cnat even say " love roman"on live journal without the "as a friend" part becuz uknow what if carlos reads this and says ooh so she loves roman ..omg wow i gotta stop...anyways dude i felt like shit that day we fought on the 3 floor nearthe library/band room...everyone was looking .....and i dunno thinking about itgives me chills...claudia saw it she was there....it was horrible...i cant describe...one of her friends tht i know that goes tomy church was about to break into tears...she said acoording to claudia that we dont even look like christians like we dont look one tad bit like we go to church..u know how sad it is to hear that...where has our relationshop gone?? this couple how once had the fire inside to worship to pray to acknowledge that theres a higher being thats soo good to us...u know...what ever happened to those days....and i have no rightto point fingers and say "well its yans fault he drifted away first" becuz thats wrong...we both have drifted away....its just i feel like im theonly one that tries really hard to get back in touch with that beautiful spiritual side than him...i honestly feel like he justgave up...period....like thats it....but i rebuke that right now in the name of Jesus....our hearts shall soften and go back to God realizing we are garbage without him....like yancarlos once said ......when he used to write me letters....."the reason were together is becuz of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ." wow......u know i dunno i relaly dont know what to say...all i know is that i wish i can get a sign from God telling me what to do....are we meant to be or are we not!? and why has God kept us together this long...for what?? i mean i really pray that if this does come to an end thats its not a crappy ending....3 years does not deserve a cold bitter ending..if we do brake it first of all its Gods will and second itll be a mutual thing and well keep that one promise of being friends forever...man i just hope if theres something wrong with me that God tells me....i really do love yan caerlos and care for him like crazy..id do anything for that kid....and that kid is my bf and best friend...but the one person i dont get along with is his inner angry self...but i guess it comes along with the package...with something good something bad has to come...i mean i shouldmt expect perfection neither should him...but sometimes i wish the way he reacts can change becuz one day my cup with over flow...and its sad to know that its already half way up there.....i hope we make up in prom and that we talk about some issues in a calm amture matter where things dont just go in circles but actually get somewhere....God....if yans "the one" for me let me know...i cant live not knwing and being clueless.....if its not meant to be then let me kow too.....no matter what I LOVE YAN CARLOS RUGEL FOREVER...and he will alwyas be a permanent part of me...i can change tghe past but i can sure try and change the future....even if it means taking crap i dont like even if it means sacrificing my all...damn but i dont wanna put him above God either...i dont even make this much of an effort with God....maybe that my problem i put carlos above without knowing instead of God....wow i think im getting bitten by mosquitos and its relly starying to itcgh well imma go before they eat me alive....later todays prom!! yay<3 () cmnt

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